今日吃瓜

At the start of 2025, I found myself in a bit of a pickle. I鈥檇 been living in Darlinghurst for four years, but despite growing up in Sydney and living smack-bang in the middle of a bustling gay bubble, I was lonely.

It had been a year since my rambunctious wife and cuddle-buddy Andrea had returned home to Spain to pursue her dream career in marketing, six months since I鈥檇 been drop-kicked by an avoidant Tinder man, and now my gay bestie was abandoning me too. Though I pleaded with him not to abscond from his budding Lady Bay Beach situationship, he was determined to get back to his home state of Missouri in time to watch the US burn itself to the ground.

Sardonic political commentary aside, in a matter of months, the critical infrastructure that had been upholding my social and emotional life was ripped out from under me, and I didn鈥檛 know what to do. As I scrolled through my Instagram DMs, I saw colleagues, friendly acquaintances, f*ckbuddies, gym mates, online mutuals, long-distance penpals, and old highschool besties who were now prisoners of marriage, but I didn鈥檛 see any friends.

I didn鈥檛 see anyone I could message at 11PM for a spontaneous Maccas run, or invite to join me on a daytrip to the Royal National Park.

Of course, Sydney is a big city, and there is no shortage of bars or bodies. I knew exactly where to go if I wanted to pin a naked boy to the wall of a sauna cubicle. I knew where to go if I wanted a hook-up, coffee date, to boogie under some strobelights, or to watch a jock fight to remove a sweat-soaked size S tank top. I even knew where to go if I wanted to practice my smalltalk on a twink while pretending not to see him scan the bar behind me for a hotter body.

From the wholesome Hinge to the holesome Sniffies, I knew how to fill the empty space around me. What I didn鈥檛 know was how to make friends. I was at a loss for where I could go to find authentic conversation with other gay, bi and queer+ men. Men who shared my interests, were curious about my lived experience, and who – ideally – didn鈥檛 want the night to finish in my pants, or all over their chest.

I have since discovered that place, and it鈥檚 called Club Esperance.

I founded Club Esperance in March 2025. It is a community-run social group based in Sydney that runs low and no-cost events throughout the year where gay, bi, and queer+ men (not to mention our enby, trans, and community allies) can foster authentic friendship. It includes a book club, nature society, games society, and drama society, and membership to any one of these societies is seamless, totally free, and doesn鈥檛 come with any obligation to attend events.聽

In the span of a year, the empty space in my life flooded. Weeknights spent alone scrolling became rooms full of friends discussing their personal experiences with gay male loneliness. Life admin Sundays became hikes in the Royal National Park with new smiling faces. I even visited the beachhouse of my new best friend, a delightfully chaotic clinical psychologist who is now teaching me the importance of erratic, possessed roleplay in Dungeons and Dragons.

This life, a full life, is thanks to Club Esperance.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

As strange as it feels to quote myself, I think the purpose of Club Esperance is best summarised by its official Instagram page. 鈥淐lub Esperance was founded in response to the vast array of Male-dominated queer spaces that centre bodies and partying. Our hope is to complement these vibrant spaces with ones that centre minds and hearts.鈥�

鈥淨ueer spaces like Club Esperance continue to be an important meeting ground for like-minded people to connect and find a sense of community and identity among peers with both shared and diverse perspectives,鈥� said Club Esperance facilitator Cameron.

鈥淎s a facilitator, one of my favourite things about Esperance is that there truly is something for everyone, whether through the book club, nature club, theatre club or games club.鈥�

Club member Jim, a professional lawyer and model who self-describes as a 鈥渂ig gay homo鈥�, shared how Club Esperance changed his life for the better.

鈥淎fter COVID eased off I joined a choir called Polyphony that became (and still is) a special part of my life. My friend Jack Colwell had been leading it for ten years, so when he passed in 2024 we were all devastated. After performing the last show he dreamed up for us in 2025, it felt right to step away for a season. Luckily at this moment, Jacques decided to start a book club in Surry Hills and this helped me stay connected to community in a time of grief.鈥�

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Jim has since fallen in love with fellow club member Vincent, who has now 鈥淸met] parents and everything鈥�. Though the club is not a match-making service and proudly upholds community guidelines that prohibit flirting at club events, it is no surprise that love, be it platonic or otherwise, can be found downstream of the warm and deeply personal connection fostered at Club Esperance events. Jim and Vincent remain regular participants of the club where they met, and despite their mutual adoration, are always on their best behaviour.

鈥淚 have recommended book club to several of my friends,鈥� Vincent said, 鈥渕any of whom are exactly where I was mentally and emotionally before joining鈥攆eeling quite disillusioned by some of the more standard rituals for socialising and making new friends in the gay community these days.

鈥淓sperance is the type of safe space we as gay people crave. It鈥檚 free of judgement, free of pretence, and free of the quiet pressure to perform or present a version of yourself that isn鈥檛 entirely true. Instead, it offers something increasingly rare: genuine connection, thoughtful conversation, and the chance to be seen and heard exactly as you are. There鈥檚 something deeply comforting about gathering with people who are open, curious, and willing to share not just opinions on books, but pieces of themselves.鈥�

To join Club Esperance or any one of its society group chats, simply DM on Instagram.